Soulful Inquiry: In a romantic relationship, if your partner starts to have feelings for someone else, would you prefer them to be honest with you or would you rather they keep it to themselves, continuing to assure you that, “You are the only one for me”?
At first, many might say they want honesty. However, in reality, if your partner unhesitatingly shares their feelings for someone else yet desires no change in your relationship, it may leave you feeling disregarded. Keeping such feelings hidden might stem from a belief that disclosing such matters may only bring unnecessary distress, with the intention of protecting you from hurt.
In intimate relationships, are there instances where “white lies” could be considered as kind-hearted? Is trust only built upon complete honesty?
Let’s delve into this topic in today’s discussion.
Trust: It’s Not Just About Telling the Truth or Lies
White lies or prosocial lying refer to instances where individuals, out of good intentions such as avoiding hurting another’s feelings or smoothing over a situation, convey information that isn’t true (Levine & Schweitzer, 2014). Such benevolent deceit is often seen amongst close relations like partners, parents-children, or friends (Bernstein, 2017).
Despite the common belief that lying, regardless of its intention, can diminish trust, recent studies have revealed that white lies can actually enhance trust between individuals.
To investigate this, researchers Levine and Schweitzer from the University of Pennsylvania (2014) conducted an experiment with 300 participants. In the experiment, researchers played the role of “information providers,” who could see the result of a computerized coin toss, while the 300 participants acted as “information receivers,” unable to see the computer, and depended on the providers for the result. Some “information providers” told the truth: if the truth was told, the provider earned 2 dollars while the receiver earned nothing. Others provided a false result, allowing both the provider and the receiver to earn a share, 2 and 1 dollar respectively.
Meaning, when lied to, the receivers actually benefitted. After revealing the actual results, the participants could deduce whether they were lied to or not, followed by completing a trust-related questionnaire assessing their trust level and perceived goodwill of the informer.
The survey indicated that participants actually trusted those informers more who lied for the participants’ benefit. The researchers further discovered, through a series of experiments, that not only were benevolent lies favorable when beneficial to the receiver, but were also appreciated when mutually beneficial—even if the liar benefitted, the deceived were willing to trust them.
Levine and Schweitzer (2014) emphasized that the kindness perceived by individuals doesn’t diminish just because it’s masked by a lie.
They proposed that trust is about believing in someone’s positive intentions or actions, even being willing to show vulnerability in front of them (Rousseau et al., 2014). It’s centered around whether there’s genuine goodwill and concern for our well-being in their actions and words, rather than whether their behavior aligns with conventional honesty.
A sign of mature understanding is the ability to look beyond literal words to grasp the real intent, forming a comprehensive, coherent understanding of others. In relationships, it’s essential to look beyond momentary utterances and focus on a longer-term assessment: does your partner often consider your well-being? Do they regard your feelings as highly as, or even more than their own?
Self-Serving Benevolent Lies
Scholars believe that some lies, seemingly “benevolent,” are essentially self-serving from the perspective of the liar. Although they may think they are benefiting the other party, in essence, their own interests are prioritized in the process. People may be aware or unaware of this “selfishness.”
(1) To avoid conflict, “sparing the other’s feelings”
People often opt to lie merely to avoid conflicts. Many mistakenly believe that conflicts should be avoided at all costs in relationships, thus, they regard their lies as benevolent. However, conflicts not only embody anger and hostility but also provide a way for both parties to express themselves adequately.
This scenario is common among couples. To prevent arguments, people hesitate to express their true feelings. Responses like, “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.” maintain a superficial peace.
In such cases, whether the lie is benevolent depends on whether one can balance the “consequences” and the “benefits” for the other person. Some may lie to avoid conflict (focusing only on the consequences), but miss the opportunity to mend the relationship, help correct mistakes, or promote self-improvement. What you consider as “sparing the other’s feelings” actually serves your own purpose of “avoiding confrontation.” Instead of “feeling cared for,” the other party might need to understand the reality.
This issue also occurs in general interpersonal relationships. For instance, when a good friend is about to give a presentation at an important meeting and seeks your advice. Despite having numerous doubts and suggestions, you choose to “benevolently deceive” them to avoid extended discussions, disputes, or conflicts, telling them that their presentation is flawless or has only minor issues. While this seems kind, it may lead to embarrassment during the meeting (Bernstein, 2017).
(2) To gain more control in relationships
Some lies’ “benevolence” merely exists within the liar’s “sweet words” and “manipulative tactics” (manipulation). Looking back at the initial scenario,
In a relationship, one party develops feelings for someone outside the relationship. They choose to conceal this, claiming their affection solely lies with their partner. At this juncture, their motive is crucial. They might be protecting their partner genuinely. They may hold a view that developing feelings for others in a long-term relationship is inevitable, but have no intention of acting upon these feelings, nor believe it will affect their existing relationship. Thus, withholding this information can spare their partner emotional turmoil and ensure the relationship remains unaffected.
However, there’s another possibility. The concealment and deception are to gain more control. They don’t want their partner to alter their affection due to this, nor do they want their potential with the other person to be influenced by their partner. Yet, these individuals are adept at justifying their lies as “for your sake.”
Here, the liar, for their own benefit, deliberately deceives the other party and attempts to rewrite their perception of “reality”—inflicting harm while repeatedly emphasizing and brainwashing that it’s for their good until they lose touch with “reality” and begin to believe the liar is acting in their best interest, eventually granting the liar more control over them.
Discerning between these requires evaluating your experiences with the other party over multiple occurrences and a longer duration. Are they consistently considerate of your interests and feelings? If they often overlook your feelings in minor matters, trust me, they aren’t doing this for your sake either.
Sometimes, “Honesty” is Self-serving too
There are times when the party with more information chooses honesty over deception, not because the information benefits the other, but to gain approval and affirmation of their moral standing from the other party. Such “self-serving” honesty, research has found, does not increase trust in the liar (Levine & Schweitzer, 2014).
In the aforementioned scenario, if one partner always reveals their attraction towards other women, or even discusses it in depth, they might simply not care about their partner’s feelings, only seeking to satisfy their need to talk about these matters. They don’t care whether such candor benefits the other party’s feelings or interests. Genuine confessions for the sake of the other party’s feelings would display emotion in their words, avoid discussing details excessively, and refrain from recklessly expressing feelings towards another person. Therefore, both honesty and lying could stem from entirely different motives.
It’s apparent that what truly matters is the consideration behind the truth or lie for the other party and the mutual benefits, as well as the goodwill embodied. We can feel goodwill as long as we trust our hearts. Lies disguised as “benevolent” but are actually self-serving will also feel slightly odd and uncomfortable. In this matter, you need to trust your instincts and, based on your long-term, consistent, and past understanding of the other party, judge their actions of lying or being honest.
How to Determine Whether to Choose Honesty or to Tell A White Lie?
Sometimes, we may face the dilemma of “telling the truth” versus “telling a white lie”. Below are some methods we propose to navigate through this issue.
Firstly, weigh the pros and cons. When you have the chance to contemplate whether to deceive the other person, it implies, to some extent, that you possess more information and thus have more “power” over them, as marital family therapist William Doherty mentioned, “A lie is a form of power over someone” (Bernstein, 2017). When you have the opportunity to lie, it means you already have power over the other person. At this moment, you also have the corresponding responsibility to think and weigh more comprehensively for both parties involved.
As mentioned above, you need to weigh the “consequences and benefits” a truth or a lie could bring to the other person, considering both the “short-term and long-term benefits”. For example, considering that a white lie may only temporarily please the other person, but could potentially lead to their poor performance in a meeting, you might want to choose to tell them the actual areas that need improvement (Lupoli et al., 2017). However, if you know that emotions will significantly affect their performance, you might opt for a different approach.
Secondly, consider the timing. Bernstein (2017) suggests that when making judgments, if the other party still has a chance to respond, adjust, or change, that is, “beforehand”, you should choose to tell them the truth; whereas if it’s “after the fact”, you might consider comforting them with a white lie for affirmation.
For instance, if your partner seeks your opinion before attending a dinner party, then you should tell them the truth — their outfit doesn’t fit well. But if they ask for your opinion after the dinner, you might want to comfort them with a white lie — they looked stunning tonight.
Furthermore, understand that a lie often requires more lies to cover up.
Besides, if upon considering the points above, you still believe you should be honest with the other party, but are concerned that the truth might hurt them, the following suggestions (Bernstein, 2017; Schuder, 2016) may be helpful:
- Before revealing the truth, it might be wise to ask the other person if they want to know the real situation. Adopting an “ask permission” approach helps gauge their receptivity, enabling you to adjust your level of honesty accordingly.
- Put yourself in their shoes, think about how you would want to receive such truth, from whom, and in what manner. Your honesty can still be delivered kindly (“be honest, but also be kind”).
- Choose a private, safe, and relaxed environment for communication, and be prepared for unexpected reactions like silence or emotional breakdowns from the other party.
- While being honest, you can also offer constructive suggestions to help the other party cope with the truth, making them feel your goodwill and support.
References：
Bernstein, E. (2017). When is it ok to lie? The Wall Street Journal.
Levine, E.E. & Schweitzer, M.E. (2014). Prosocial lies: When deception breeds trust. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 126, 88-106.
Lupoli, M. J., Jampol, L., & Oveis, C. (2017). Lying because we care: Compassion increases prosocial lying. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 146(7), 1026.
