Inappropriate ways of offering comfort can backfire, potentially leading to unintentional harm and straining relationships. Sometimes, attempts to comfort by others may leave us upset; at other times, we might find ourselves struggling to offer comfort, feeling lost, and perhaps even exacerbating the situation.
Today, we’ve compiled 7 common instances of harmful comforting techniques and have provided a guide on how to offer effective comfort. Share this “minefield map of harmful comforting” with friends who could benefit from these insights.
Comfort Words: Avoiding Harm in 7 Common Phrases
Phrase 1: “Come on, don’t be sad. It’s not a big deal.”
Harmful Reason: Dismissing emotional validity.
This phrase is commonly uttered between parents and children or in friendships where there’s an imbalance of power. Be cautious with this phrase as it might not offer comfort but rather create resentment.
Within the phrase “Come on, don’t be sad. It’s not a big deal,” lies a sense of disdain and dismissal. It conveys to the comfort-seeker that their current emotions are illegitimate or unreasonable, and that their pain is trivial in the eyes of the comforter—implying that feeling such emotions indicates an overreaction or a lack of strength. This sort of dismissal and disdain is clearly sensed by the recipient of such supposed comfort.
While some may utter this phrase with the good intention of making you see the situation isn’t as bad as you think, many don’t aim to comfort genuinely.
Alternatively, a comforting technique called Validation could be employed—assuring the person that it’s okay to feel as they do and that their reaction is valid (Carnes, 1997).
Try saying:
“Going through something like this can indeed be very upsetting.”
“Anyone facing this would find it tough.”
“What you’re feeling is normal/reasonable.”
Phrase 2: “Keep going.”
Harmful Reason: Obvious indifference.
This phrase can swiftly shut down someone’s desire to share their troubles. When a friend seeks understanding or advice, a quick “keep going” as a response can lead to their disappointment (Marigold et al., 2014). They may feel you’re unwilling to invest time or emotions, indicating a lack of interest in understanding their issues—a sign of evident indifference.
Often, this phrase is a go-to when one doesn’t know what to say, but it indeed leaves the other person feeling let down.
Instead, we could try:
“What do you think is the reason for your unhappiness?”
“What is bothering you the most?”
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?”
Phrase 3: “I knew this would happen, I told you so…”
Harmful Reason: Elevating oneself while blaming the other.
Even if the intent behind this “I told you so” attitude is to express concern, it comes across as accusatory—saying “you should’ve listened to me.” It also belittles the person’s ability to make judgments and decisions. This type of statement also carries a harsh narcissistic and punitive undertone as if saying “your pain proves I was right.”
During moments when someone is hurting or feeling distressed, if we truly care about them, we’d realize that being right isn’t what’s important at the moment, but rather, their feelings are.
Try saying:
“You didn’t expect things to turn out this way.”
“If it were me, I might not have done better in that situation.”
Phrase 4: “I have it worse than you.”
Harmful Reason: Diverting focus, not giving enough attention to the other person, and competing to be the “main character” in the conversation.
Many people resort to comparing sorrows as a way to comfort a friend. However, this is a shift of focus, moving the attention from the other person to oneself, making them feel that their pain is not being acknowledged. The conversation should be about the other person, making them feel seen, attended to, and cared for. What they need is not a competition of miseries, but someone who can see and acknowledge their situation at the moment.
Remember, avoid going on and on about your own story; you don’t need to be the center of every conversation. The first step to comforting others is letting them take the stage.
You could say:
“You’ve really been through a lot.”
“I’ve had a similar experience, the situations may not be exactly the same, but I can somewhat understand your pain.”
Phrase 5:”You should learn a lesson.”
Harmful Reason: Being preachy, rationalizing doesn’t soothe one’s emotions.
People who say this might be awkward, not knowing how to comfort others emotionally. Or they might possess a superiority complex. It’s not that one can’t learn from setbacks, but when someone is upset, what they need is emotional comfort. Urging them to “learn and grow” from their missteps only makes them feel unloved and uncared for.
Empathy, being willing to feel their pain, and sharing in their sorrow will help them heal emotionally. Learning and growing are concerns for the long term, after emotional healing. Remember, they are the experts in their own lives. Only offer advice when asked, especially if they don’t seek it, avoid lecturing them (unless it’s your child).
Dragging them into a lecture invades their boundaries, leading to their resentment, and wanting to distance themselves from you.
Phrase 6: “You should have done this or that.”
Harmful Reason: Rushing to solve the problem, and a tendency to control.
Sympathetic individuals are often eager to help, but it’s crucial to understand the other person’s situation and needs (Burton, 2015). Some people are adamant that only their perspective is right. They may even add: “Why come to me for comfort if you won’t take my advice?”
In recent years, such voices have become common online, garnering much support. However, for many seeking comfort, they simply hope that there’s someone in this world who won’t judge them, who will stay with them, understanding their feelings.
Offering what you think is right advice is essentially ignoring the emotional needs of individuals, dismissing the value of venting negative emotions. Simplifying a comforting scenario to a advising scenario can even make one feel lonely. Empathy doesn’t mean you must take on their “issues”; it simply means providing space for them to feel bad when they do feel bad.
Try ‘companionship support’. Being there for them is support in itself. Helping them realize through your companionship that they’re not alone, and letting them know that you believe they can find their way out of the rut, with your support, is comforting.
Sometimes, for those needing comfort, solving the problem isn’t as important as your presence.
Try saying:
“Whatever choices you want to make, I’ll be here with you. I believe what you’re doing now is what you need the most at this moment.”
Phrase 7: “Why seek comfort from me if you aren’t honest with me?”
Harmful Reason: Digging into the problem, disrespecting boundaries, setting conditions for care.
Asking questions is reasonable, but probing too much can be offensive. When comforting others, it’s crucial to respect their boundaries. Overstepping, such as invading their privacy or bringing up difficult topics, can shut down the conversation and hinder comfort (Manson, 2013).
Try saying:
“If you feel uncomfortable sharing with me, you don’t have to tell me.”
“Whatever you choose to share with me, I’ll listen carefully and keep it confidential.”
In Conclusion
Ultimately, when comforting someone, ensure you are fully engaged, giving all your attention to them, lending your genuine emotions to be with them in their heartbreak. People have a remarkable ability to heal, and when they feel someone is with them in their sorrow, they are already healing to some extent.
If you’re still confused about how to comfort others, remember this: the foundation of comforting others is always kindness. Sometimes people’s care and comfort come with many conditions; sometimes it’s more about showcasing themselves.
As long as you have a kind heart, even if clumsy, your efforts will be forgiven and appreciated. On the contrary, if you can’t sincerely comfort others, the act of comforting will drain you while also hurting others.
“We are all seeking the path to happiness,” says Psychiatrist Dr. Waguih William IsHak, “Treating others kindly is an effective way.” Studies have shown that kind and compassionate individuals are notably happier, live longer, and the act of being kind helps to alleviate stress, boost self-esteem, and improve emotional health.
Before comforting others, take care of yourself.
If you find that you’ve given too much or it’s beyond your capacity, it’s time to step back. Never chase someone unprepared to accept help, and only help those deserving of your assistance.
So, have you learned how to comfort others?
References
Burton, N. (2015). Empathy vs. Sympathy. Psychology Today.
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. HCI.
Manson, M. (2013). The Guide to Strong Boundaries. markmanson.net/boundaries.
Marigold, D. C., Cavallo, J. V., Holmes, J. G., & Wood, J. V. (2014). You can’t always give what you want: The challenge of providing social support to low self-esteem individuals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 107(1), 56.
Vash, B. (2019). 7 Reasons Why You Suck at Comforting Others.
