Many users have left messages in the backend asking, what exactly are the signs of a dying relationship?
Arguing over the same things again?
Accusations and digging up past grievances during fights?
Avoiding communication and resorting to cold indifference?
Do these indicate that a relationship is nearing its breaking point? Indeed, when we feel that there are “issues” in a close relationship, it’s hard to determine whether these issues are temporary, surmountable, or if they are truly driving the relationship towards a break. In psychologist John Gottman’s love lab, he can predict within 5 minutes, with an astounding accuracy of 91%, whether a couple will eventually divorce, just by observing their interaction and communication patterns.
Although it sounds somewhat mystical, John Gottman believes that there indeed are certain “signs” in everyday interactions that might foretell the disintegration of a close relationship. Today, let’s explore together the signs that might hint at a failing intimate relationship.
Firstly, How Does a Close Relationship Head Towards a Break?
John Gottman believes that trust is the foundation of all intimate relationships. In general, trust means believing that you are always loved in this relationship. The process of a relationship falling apart is essentially the gradual crumbling of trust between the partners.
A crucial moment in an intimate relationship, termed as the “sliding door moment,” occurs often. In everyday interactions, we continually seek support and understanding from our partner through words and actions. For instance, this could be a simple request over the weekend like, “Can you accompany me to the supermarket?” or expressing sorrow over a rough day at work with, “I feel so upset, can you stay with me?” When one partner sends out such invitations (bids), the sliding door moment is triggered.
Following the sliding door moment, the other partner will have two types of reactions: “turning toward” or “turning away from.”
It’s essential to note that the difference between “turning toward” and “turning away from” isn’t about accepting or declining the partner’s request, but rather about responding to the partner’s needs. For example, upon one partner’s request to go to the supermarket, the other might respond, “Can we go together in half an hour?” or “I really wish to go with you, but I can’t today as I have some important work to finish.”
Although one response accepts the invitation and the other declines it, both responses address the partner’s needs, hence they both are “turning toward” the partner.
The response referred to as “turning away from” occurs because it doesn’t address the partner’s needs, for example simply replying, “I won’t go” or “I am tired, I don’t want to go out.”
Experiences of receiving a “turning away from” response during the sliding door moments are marked in our memory as unsatisfied moments. These unpleasant memories replay in our minds, staying active, and as we revisit them, negative emotions toward our partner keep increasing. The more unresponded moments, the more negative emotions, and gradually the trust erodes.
Gradually, when negative emotions take over, both partners begin to interpret each other’s behaviors negatively, a phenomenon termed as negative sentiment override. They might even misinterpret harmless or positive actions negatively (Weiss, 1980). For instance, if the husband decides to cook dinner one evening, due to the eroded trust, the wife’s initial reaction might be of suspicion, thinking he has an ulterior motive.
As negative emotions override and trust depletes, the communication pattern between the partners falls into a vicious cycle of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, eventually leading the relationship towards a break.
Criticism often involves attacking the partner using phrases like “always” and “never,” for example, “You never follow through on what you say.”
Contempt signifies verbal abuse towards the partner, including sarcasm, mockery, belittlement, and insults, for example, “You have no sense of time, I can’t stand living with someone like you.”
Defensiveness arises when the verbally attacked partner seeks to protect themselves, for instance, when accused of being late, responding with, “If you hadn’t spent so long in the bathroom this morning, we would have arrived on time.”
Stonewalling occurs when the tension reaches a point where both partners are furious, erecting a wall of indifference towards each other, showing no response to the other’s emotions or actions.
9 Signs Indicating a Relationship is Dying
Previously, we mentioned that trust is the foundational element in building a close relationship, and any behavior that could erode trust between partners inherently serves as a harbinger of a relationship breakdown. Gottman has identified 9 common signs of a relationship on the verge of breaking down, hoping this information could be of help.
(1) Emotional Absence or Indifference
John Gottman believes the deadliest mistake in a close relationship occurs when one party has emotional needs, yet the other party continually remains unresponsive. This emotional absence quickly drives a wedge between the two.
A survey by psychologists Gigy and Kelly on divorced couples revealed that infidelity was not the fundamental cause of relationship breakdown; 80% of divorced couples believed the breakdown resulted from growing apart and losing intimacy. The relationship ceased to provide understanding, support, respect, care, and attention – elements supposed to be nurtured in a close relationship (Gigy & Kelly, 1992).
Studies suggest that the degree of emotional support partners provide to each other significantly predicts the end of the relationship.
(2) Refusal to Commit Fully/Incomplete Commitment
In a close relationship, there are many moments requiring commitment, like moving in together or marriage. If it’s always one party pushing for these steps while the other consistently avoids or ignores them, it indicates a reluctance to forego other possible opportunities for the sake of the relationship.
They never fully invest in the relationship, seemingly waiting for a “better option.” And any trivial matter could serve as an excuse for their lack of investment.
(3) Emotional Infidelity
A crucial rule of thumb is: the moment you feel the need to hide a relationship from your partner, or you sense your partner hiding another person’s existence, your strong bond is likely already in crisis. It’s dangerous when interactions with another person become more relaxed and enjoyable compared to your own relationship, particularly when you share intimate details of your life or expose sides of yourself never seen by your partner.
(4) Excessive Lying
We all agree with the saying that lies and trust are arch-enemies. When both parties start having their secrets and are prepared to keep them hidden, lies emerge. Yet, occasional lies usually pose no significant threat to a relationship.
It’s habitual deceit that truly erodes trust. Some people lie incessantly, even about trivial matters, as lying becomes a habit for them. Even lies meant to keep the peace or well-intentioned lies will also damage the relationship.
(5) Anti-partner Alliances
Sometimes, one party in a relationship may ally with a “third person” to oppose the other, for instance, a husband and mother-in-law forming an alliance against the wife. At this point, the two in the relationship stand on opposing sides, and the isolated party feels the original intimacy with their partner has been broken. Such anti-partner alliances usually trigger the beginning of disputes.
(6) Contempt/Disdain
This point refers to instances in communication with your partner where they constantly imply you’re the inferior one, making you feel belittled.
(7) Power Imbalance
Power dynamics in intimate relationships are always evolving, with each person having moments of advantage or disadvantage. However, a long-term severe power imbalance, making one party feel exploited, indicates issues in the relationship.
The most apparent reflection of power in a relationship is seen in domestic chores and financial decisions, like who does the chores over the weekend or who pays the monthly bills? Continually bearing the heavy load of household chores or financial burden is unfair for both individuals and could lead to a relationship breakdown.
(8) Selfishness
Maintaining a long-term stable relationship means, at times, one party has to sacrifice for the common good. For instance, before marriage, agreeing to deposit a portion of individual earnings into a joint account for future joint expenses like buying a house. But once one party starts refusing such contributions, they inadvertently place personal interests above common interests. Upon sensing this change, both parties might turn “selfish,” leading to growing resentment.
(9) Broken Promises
Deciding to live together implies reaching a consensus on certain fundamental issues and daily expectations, promising to live a fulfilling life together.
However, research indicates that addiction issues can significantly predict whether a relationship will end (Caces et al., 1999). For example, when one person has drug or alcohol addiction problems, they’re likely to break the promise of living a good life together, making harmful choices that betray the relationship due to their addiction issues.
The disappointment from such betrayal can eventually lead to a collapse of trust between the partners.
Whether it’s frequent denial or minor rebuttals/pickiness, it essentially amounts to emotional abuse. For instance, when you complain about no one sharing household chores, your partner always rebutting (“I’ve been so tired from work and I didn’t complain, doing chores is nothing compared to working” ) undermines your contribution to the household.
Efforts Worth Making Before a Relationship Breaks
When the signs mentioned earlier start appearing in your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your current intimate relationship is destined to fall apart. The real purpose of recognizing these signs is to send a signal to both parties—there are issues in your relationship that need addressing.
Once the majority of the aforementioned signs start surfacing in your relationship, you might consider initiating a heartfelt and in-depth communication with your partner. Before starting the conversation, you could briefly jot down the issues you believe are present in the relationship, and agree with your partner not to interrupt each other during the discourse.
During this communication, the speaker’s job is to provide a “blueprint of expectations” for your partner regarding the relationship, being as specific as possible. For instance, “I hope we can cook together and clean the kitchen every weekend.”
On the other hand, the listener’s responsibility is to resist the urge to defend oneself, and instead engage in active listening to understand as much as possible about their partner’s perspective and to empathize with their feelings. The listener can also ask open-ended questions like, “What expectations do you have of me as your partner?” or “What would you like me to do?”
Psychologist Lapoporte once brought up an interesting point: if both parties can’t articulate each other’s viewpoints to the satisfaction of one another, don’t expect to resolve the issues or reach a consensus.
Meanwhile, it’s also important to prepare for the possibility of “not reaching a consensus.” An intimate relationship is built and operated by both parties, and saving it also requires a lot of “conditions” and collaborative efforts, such as psychological maturity, the willingness to change from both sides, and concrete actions, among others.
Therefore, if after communicating, you find that both of you can’t reach a consensus on the expectations for the relationship, don’t pressure yourself too much. It might be worth considering letting go to avoid getting trapped in the agony of over-persistence.
References
Caces, M. F., Harford, T. C., Williams, G. D., & Hanna, E. Z. (1999). Alcohol consumption and divorce rates in the United States. Journal of studies on alcohol, 60(5), 647–652.
Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1992). Reasons for divorce: Perspectives of divorcing men and women. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169–187.
Gottman, J.& Silver, N. (2012). What Makes Love Last. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Gottman, J.& Silver, N. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work. Orion.
Weiss, R.L. (1980). Strategic Behavioral Marital Therapy: Toward a Model for Assessment and Intervention, Vol. 1. In: Vincent, J.P., Ed., Advances in Family Intervention, Assessment and Theory, JAI Press, Greenwich, 229-271.
