Excellence is something many of us aspire to. Yet, for some, the pursuit of excellence borders on an obsession. They might feel that “if they aren’t excellent, they don’t deserve to live,” “being average is terrifying,” or “only those who excel can receive love.” Often, this need for excellence is tied to underlying traumas.
Today, we discussed that if the thirst for excellence is mainly a way to address pain, it’s challenging to find genuine satisfaction and love from it.
When Excellence Becomes a Defense
Chatting over dinner with friends, the conversation naturally drifted towards psychological concepts, given our shared interests. One of the benefits of being in psychological circles is that occasionally you meet truly extraordinary people. One such young woman was among us that day.
By appearance, she had the kind of charm that could captivate both men and women. In terms of substance, her academic prowess had earned the admiration of many seasoned professionals. With such a delightful person, the conversation naturally touched upon her exceptional qualities and how much everyone liked her.
However, she just offered a resigned smile and said, “What if excellence is just a defense?” She didn’t elaborate further, but those familiar with the realm of psychology understood that behind the word “defense” lies a world of pain.
The term “defense” refers to defense mechanisms. Put simply, as we grow, we encounter emotions that are difficult to cope with. To prevent these feelings from becoming too overwhelming, we develop ways to shield ourselves from experiencing them. For instance, if a child feels unloved by their parents, they might convince themselves internally that they don’t need their parents, thus avoiding the desperation and fear of being unloved.
In simpler terms, it’s using a method one can handle to prevent oneself from facing what they cannot. So, when excellence becomes a defense mechanism, behind that excellence lies a myriad of pain they’re trying to avoid.
Many of us cherish the idea of excellence. But for some, their chase for excellence feels like they’re wearing red dancing shoes that won’t allow them to stop. In their world, no matter the achievements they’ve garnered, they can’t find happiness. Deep down, there’s a void. As long as it exists, all they feel is emptiness, fear, and dissatisfaction with themselves. They fear they’re not good enough and the “danger” that might come with it. This danger is self-inflicted and follows them wherever they go, like an inescapable shadow.
So, they push harder, using their excellence to fend off these perceived threats. However, it’s a losing battle. The dangers they see are illusions of their mind. Without personal change, these fears only amplify, making them impossible to fend off.
How Do These “Dangers” Come About?
1. Cultural Foundations
Our cultural roots place a strong emphasis on excellence. The pathway to acceptance and recognition in our society often involves achieving fame and success, which subsequently brings honor to one’s family. While there’s an increasing push for the idea that raising “ordinary but happy” children is crucial for their well-being, it’s challenging for the majority to truly embrace this. In societies with inadequate social safety nets, being “ordinary” could mean an uncertain future. Unless you’re born with a silver spoon and don’t need to worry about future necessities such as livelihood, retirement, or healthcare, falling short of excellence might mean falling behind in the competitive race of life. Thus, striving to excel becomes a means of self-preservation against the unknown and uncontrollable future.
2. Parental Expectations
The pursuit of excellence can also be influenced by parents’ high expectations. Some parents might project their unfulfilled aspirations onto their children. If they never attended a prestigious university, they might hope their child excels academically; if they didn’t succeed in their career, they might desire influential positions for their offspring, and so on. If a child doesn’t meet these expectations, it could lead to parental anxiety. This anxiety is palpable and often picked up by children. Due to children’s deep attachment to their parents, they would naturally want to please them, leading to even higher self-imposed expectations.
3. Competition
Children growing up in larger families might sense that their parents tend to favor the more accomplished siblings. Consequently, to vie for parental love and approval, children might push themselves to outshine their siblings. After all, for a child, securing ample love from their parents feels like a guarantee of a safe and nurturing environment.
4. Experiences of Defeat
If a child lacks affirmation of their self-worth throughout their growth, they might struggle to feel loved and accepted. They might then seek tangible external validations, such as beauty or success, to feel valuable. A child’s self-perception often derives from early interactions with their mother. When they feel consistently satisfied by their mother, they perceive themselves as good, loved children and see their mother in a positive light. But, if their needs aren’t met promptly, they may feel defeated and view their mother negatively. To cope, they might internally rationalize it, thinking they’re not good enough, hence why their mother isn’t satisfying them fully.
With repeated experiences of defeat, the child might feel they’re inherently lacking. To attract their mother’s attention and combat the fear of “being treated poorly because I’m not good enough,” they might strive harder towards excellence. It’s worth noting that this perceived “poor treatment” might not reflect the actual treatment they received, but rather their internal interpretation of events.
In essence, behind the intense pursuit of excellence often lies a tumultuous history. This might be why advocates of raising “ordinary” children are so passionate about their cause. When the quest for excellence becomes a defense mechanism – a means to combat inner anxieties – the sacrifices made in its name can be immense.
The Price of Excellence
Many people with a deep desire for excellence often struggle to accept themselves fully. This stems from their fear of mediocrity. To cope, they tend to “split” themselves into ‘good’ and ‘bad’ parts, projecting the ‘bad’ onto others. This leaves them with only the ‘good’ side to focus on. That’s why sometimes when we are around highly accomplished individuals, we feel overwhelmed and diminished. This feeling might not be about us but rather the projection we receive from them. These individuals often project their insecurities onto others, making us feel inferior while elevating their own self-image.
These individuals tend to surround themselves with people they perceive as less accomplished to maintain their sense of superiority. Yet, when faced with someone they deem more accomplished, they may feel threatened or even fall apart. That’s because they can’t project their insecurities and have to face their own inadequacies. This realization can be terrifying for them.
Interestingly, genuinely accomplished people, who are secure in their abilities and have a high degree of self-acceptance, might appear content in their simplicity. Such individuals do not take in these projections, which could force the projecting person to reflect and potentially grow, gradually shedding their fear of imperfection and accepting themselves more.
In contrast, some individuals, driven by their fear of inadequacy, may gravitate towards those they perceive as superior to bolster their own self-worth. Their approach to people varies; they may strongly desire to connect with those they admire and avoid those they view as less accomplished. Their aversion to perceived mediocrity might mirror the parts of themselves they’ve always tried to discard. By rejecting others they deem ‘less-than’, they act superior, which can lead to dissatisfaction and alienation from peers.
Some take on the role of a ‘savior’, sympathizing with those they perceive as weaker and trying to help. However, their motivation might be to distance themselves from their own vulnerabilities. By helping others, they symbolically save themselves from their own perceived weaknesses. But continually playing the savior is exhausting and isolating. It can lead to rigidity in intimate relationships, burdened by over-responsibility on one side and resentment for excessive giving on the other.
When individuals demand perpetual excellence from themselves, they become overly critical, constantly pushing for perfection to ward off their fear of failure. They set lofty, challenging goals, and even upon achieving them, may not feel the joy of success. Their deep-seated insecurities often resurface, causing self-doubt and criticism. Such individuals never feel fulfilled, constantly seeking more accomplishments to validate themselves. When excellence becomes a defense, joy in success diminishes, making them slaves to achievement. True freedom lies in embracing one’s authentic self, flaws and all.
The concept of being ‘ordinary’ doesn’t imply settling for mediocrity but accepting oneself as they truly are. Achieving this state of high self-acceptance isn’t easy; it represents a highly evolved state of personal growth, often rooted in early life experiences, particularly the crucial first three years spent predominantly with parents. Parents play a pivotal role in shaping a child’s lifelong happiness. Thus, parents’ growth and understanding is even more essential than merely educating and managing their children.
