Professor William Rawlins conducted a study on friendship and found that as people move into middle age, they tend to define friendship not as always being together, but as knowing “they’re there for you.” This isn’t because individuals don’t want to invest time and energy in friendships, but rather due to limited available time. Hence, friendships evolve to have a more relaxed and understanding nature. Yet, this demands a higher quality of friendship.
True mature friendships withstand times when you might not need them, only to be there when you do. They offer support and companionship without being demanding of your time. Do you have such a friendship? Check these 7 indicators.
How Mature is Your Friendship? 7 Indicators
1. Mature Friendships Aren’t Necessarily Deep Ones
Depth here means knowing each other inside out or having witnessed significant moments together. A mature friendship can be formed based on mutual admiration, effective communication, and reliability. The beauty of this friendship lies in understanding each other’s present, even if not part of each other’s past. While deep, intertwined relationships are precious, every bond doesn’t need to have that depth. A glimmer of connection still offers warmth worth cherishing.
2. You See Beyond Social Labels
As we age, societal tags increase – spouse of xx, parent of xx, employee at xx company. Often, we remember people based on these tags, even evaluating the merit of our interactions based on them. While some relationships are initiated due to mutual benefits, mature friendships transcend this initial objective. In such relationships, you remember one another’s hobbies, quirks, tastes, and personal stories. They are seen as vibrant individuals rather than just a sum of their societal roles.
3. Your Bond Stands Strong Amidst Outsider Influence
Adult friendships aren’t exclusive and sometimes, this can spark a hint of competition and jealousy. However, mature friendships are resilient to outside meddling and negative talk. We won’t quickly assume a friend said something just based on hearsay. Trust, understanding, and commitment form the bedrock of mature friendships (Oswald, 2006).
Also, these bonds are forged between mature individuals, meaning both parties appreciate the intricacies of the relationship without expecting perfection. True friends understand that life happens. If you need help and they can’t provide it, there’s no blame. If work or an emergency causes you to cancel plans, they understand. When faced with divisive rumors, you both maintain faith and patience, verifying facts before jumping to conclusions.
4. You Acknowledge Each Other’s Flaws and Embrace Them
It’s not just the pursuit of the “perfect relationship” that needs to cease but also that of the “perfect individual.” Over time, you recognize each other’s shortcomings and your own. Yet, the beauty is that these flaws don’t diminish the value of your relationship. Embracing a friend’s imperfections isn’t about settling but recognizing that their positive impact far outweighs these minor flaws. When disagreements arise, you both actively address them, fueled by the understanding that neither of you is perfect, but both are committed (Oswald, 2006).
5. You Clearly Define and Respect Boundaries
Throughout life, we encounter friends who bring different experiences. What makes a friendship mature is mutual respect and support (Hays, 1985). If your interactions usually revolve around casual fun and daily musings, neither of you will suddenly dive deep into life’s anxieties. Or if you usually discuss work challenges and societal issues, neither will expect the other to suddenly switch to casual hangouts. In mature friendships, both parties have a mutual understanding of their “friendship role” and respect those boundaries. While pushing these limits might occasionally enhance the bond, more often, it can make one or both feel uncomfortable.
6. Quality Time Together is Always Meaningful
While you may not meet up frequently, every time you do, it’s always quality time spent together (Sarason, 2001). Instead of just making small talk, you genuinely want to know what’s been happening in each other’s lives. Giving gifts or keeping mementos from shared experiences isn’t just a gesture; it’s a way to cherish tangible memories. When your friend is upset, you strive to understand the root cause rather than offering a superficial comfort like a mere hug.
7. Your Friendship is Mutually Beneficial Without Any Exploitation
Rawlins (1992) introduced several principles of dialectical interactions in friendship. One of the core tenets he pointed out is the balance between “affection and instrumentality”.
Some criticize friendships with a purpose, deeming them as impure or exploitative. However, mutual aid can be seen as supportive and reciprocal actions that maintain the bond (Oswald, 2004). In mature friendships, people don’t shy away from this “instrumentality”. In fact, these interactions can often deepen the emotional connection.
This give-and-take isn’t limited to financial assistance. While one might think that if there’s a significant disparity in social status or resources between two friends, the one with less might be taking advantage. This isn’t necessarily the case. If the friendship exists, it shows both bring value to the table. What one offers might not be tangible. They could be emotionally supportive, offer healing vibes, or even provide fresh perspectives and insights from their unique professional expertise.
How to Make Lasting Friendships as an Adult
Wishing for your existing friendship to blossom and stand the test of time? Here are three heartwarming tips to help you foster a bond that lasts:
1. Regularly Check in on Each Other
Simply sending routine birthday wishes or casual social media likes doesn’t do much for sustaining a friendship. For a bond to truly thrive, it requires meaningful conversations and quality sharing.
While you don’t need to share every minute detail, discussing significant events can help both parties feel involved in each other’s pivotal life moments, be it marriage, career milestones, or personal challenges. By doing so, you reinforce the sentiment that both are essential parts of each other’s lives (Muinos, 2021). This practice ensures that when you do meet up, the conversation flows naturally and feels just as intimate as ever.
2. Offer Help but Respect Boundaries
Beverly Fehr suggests that long-lasting friends from early adulthood onwards are always there to help but rarely overstep boundaries. They intuitively know what kind of support you need, whether it’s silent companionship or comforting words, and when a hug might be appropriate.
The key, according to Beverly Fehr, is this intuitive understanding: offering and seeking closeness in a mature, non-intrusive way. After all, those who are too eager to get involved in our lives or rush to comfort us before we’re ready may not remain our friends for long.
3. Create and Share Joy Together
Research indicates that the happiness of a friendship can be predicted by how positively friends respond to each other’s shared positive experiences. This reaction can also gauge the overall quality of the bond (Demir, 2019). If you can’t always create joyful memories together, it’s also meaningful to share personal achievements (remember, share, don’t boast) or simply forward amusing photos or videos to make them laugh.
While friends can indeed be our emotional sounding board, the norm should be creating and sharing joy. As Nietzsche once said, “One’s need for a friend is not of the nature of a lack but of overflow. Only those who stand alone can truly value friendship. It is not a need but a delight; not hunger but an excess.”
Do you have such a mature friendship? If so, share this piece with that cherished friend and let them know how much you value your bond!
References
Deci, E. L., La Guardia, J. G., Moller, A. C., Scheiner, M. J., & Ryan, R. M. (2006). On the benefits of giving as well as receiving autonomy support: Mutuality in close friendships. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 32(3), 313-327.
Demir, M., Özdemir, M., & Marum, K. P. (2011). Perceived autonomy support, friendship maintenance, and happiness. The Journal of psychology, 145(6), 537-571.
