Do you ever feel like you might have low self-esteem? You’re not alone. Many of us feel this way and often search online for ways to improve our self-worth.
However, many are still driven by seeking validation from others.
In this article, I ‘ll share my personal journey, explaining why external validation doesn’t always build genuine self-esteem and what healthy self-worth looks like.
1. Navigating Between Two Self-Esteem Systems
Being a former athlete, I’ve always been in tune with my body. I like to compare self-esteem to “core strength.” Just like how core strength is essential for all physical activities, giving us control over our bodies, the same is true for our self-esteem in how we perceive ourselves.
Often, I notice that many identify with “low self-esteem,” almost like a taboo yet relatable label. In my conversations with various individuals, many work hard, seeking approval from the outside world.
I don’t want to give you just “tips to boost self-esteem.” Instead, I want to share my journey. I too have grappled with these feelings. For a long time, I cared deeply about feedback as I aspired to be a better therapist.
Gradually, I felt like I had two contrasting “self-esteem systems” inside me. One, the “old system,” focused on the world’s opinion and pleasing others. The other, the “new system,” centered on my feelings—a healthier form of self-esteem.
To share a personal experience: There was a time when I hadn’t published any articles. I wanted exposure but doubted if my content met the standards. My focus was outward, perhaps influenced by the “old system.” Even after discussions with colleagues, I hesitated to submit anything, feeling a writer’s block.
But one relaxing afternoon, in a cozy Starbucks corner with a serene ambiance, I felt inspired. With no pending tasks and the evening sun painting the cafe, I wrote an article in just over 20 minutes. I was in my “new system” mode. I posted it on my personal page without overthinking about external approval. Even though I felt it might not meet the platform’s requirements, the editorial team reached out, expressing interest in publishing it.
You see, I, too, have moments of doubt and confidence, oscillating between these two modes.
2. The Drift of External Attention
After publishing my article, I found myself unable to write with the same flow. I soon realized why: when I wrote that first piece, it was purely for me. But afterwards, doubts crept in. Is this enough? How will people perceive me? Just as I understood the need to harness my core strength, my attention constantly drifted towards external validation. Can you relate? The more I tried to boost my self-esteem, the farther I felt from my own heart. With every effort, I seemed more fragmented, more swayed by every opinion, fearing disappointment, and self-blaming.
3. Finding Quiet by Focusing Inward
Thankfully, I had a therapist. At times she was gentle, and other times, not so much. I once doubted my decision to keep her. Why did I pay to be this uncomfortable? With time, I understood she embodied what I sought: self-focus.
Do you, like me, sometimes feel averse to exploring certain corners of your heart? The answers to many of our questions, like “take your time, it’s quicker” or “love yourself regardless of others’ views”, sound simple but are hard to truly embody.
Just as many of my clients do, I yearned for a guide on ‘how to love oneself.’ Yet through my own experiences and sessions, I learned the answer was always within me, only truly seen when I closed my eyes. When we focus on ourselves, the world becomes tranquil. True self-esteem isn’t somewhere distant; it’s right where you stop searching.
4. Low Self-esteem: Seeing the World, Missing Yourself
I know I’ll have countless moments where my focus drifts externally and I’ll waver between the old and new systems. But I’ve learned to cut myself some slack and be kinder. This focus on self brings a feeling that the world is within me, rather than me being blown apart by it.
I’m deeply thankful for my clients. Through their diverse stories, I’ve seen the limits of my understanding, and my heart has grown. As a therapist, when I lose my focus, every technique feels hollow. It’s like having a trembling hand despite holding the most powerful weapon.
Low self-esteem means seeing the entire world but missing oneself; healthy self-esteem feels like having the world within, not being overwhelmed by it. In this world of endless waves, I’m a surfer who cherishes every fall, especially when others fall with me. Thanks to all who’ve walked with me.
I’ve come to realize that perhaps I’ll never meet everyone’s expectations, but that also means I am free. So, this piece? It’s written for me.
