In our daily lives, many couples experience a situation we’ll call the “illusion of closeness”:
Although they are together, they don’t feel the warmth of love and connection. While they may outwardly commit to each other, they don’t truly understand one another, as if both are wearing a personality “mask”. Today, let’s delve into this phenomenon of “pseudo-intimacy” or “irrelationship”.
Are You Truly Connected? 6 Pseudo-Intimacy Signs
Here are the 6 signs of this illusory intimacy, termed as “GRAFTS” by psychologist Mark B. Borg and his peers:
1. Good: Acting as the “good partner” in the relationship.
You both appear very close. To outsiders, you seem like any other loving couple, caring and respecting each other, providing emotional safety. However, you treat each other in ways you think are “good”, suppressing any displeasure to get the expected response.
2. Right: Believing there’s a “right way” to be in the relationship.
You might have set notions like “a boyfriend/girlfriend should…” and strive to fulfill these expectations. Pseudo-intimacy often follows a script, with partners acting out preset roles. Who you “should be” becomes more crucial than who you truly are, as both fear showing their real selves or acknowledging real issues.
3. Absence: Ignoring each other’s genuine emotional needs.
Even if you meet the “good” and “right” expectations, the real emotional needs of both partners remain unexpressed and unattended.
4. Funny: Using humor to push each other away and avoid genuine dialogue.
Joking is great, but be aware if it becomes a shield against authentic conversations. Constant jokes might be used both to manage the partner’s feelings and to sidestep revealing one’s true thoughts.
5. Tense: An underlying tension when you’re together.
Maintaining this “good” and “right” facade often leads to subconscious tension. While both might be attuned to each other’s feelings, neither wants to show their own vulnerabilities. True intimacy is about mutual acceptance and understanding, whereas this illusory closeness is often about maintaining a “safe distance” to avoid potential heartaches.
6. Smart: Relying on logic instead of emotions.
Those in pseudo-intimate relationships may not be comfortable expressing their feelings, often resorting to an overly rational approach. While this might work wonders in a professional setting, it can hinder genuine emotional connection in intimate relationships.
By understanding these signs, couples can work towards fostering genuine intimacy and a deeper connection with each other.
Why Do We Often Find Ourselves Trapped In Pseudo-Intimacy?
Pseudo-intimacy can be described as a defense mechanism of “avoiding real closeness” in relationships. Borg believes that the reason one might develop this defense is closely tied to their interactions with close family members, such as parents, during their childhood.
Those who habitually fall into pseudo-intimacy often played the role of emotionally “taking care” of their parents as kids. Even when they were too young to be caregivers, they were expected to prioritize others’ needs over expressing their own.
For a child, the greatest fear is being abandoned by their parents. Even if the parents are emotionally abusive, the child will strive to maintain that relationship, leading to a role reversal – the child, who should be cared for, becomes the “caregiver” for the parent:
- When parents are down, the child tries to cheer them up.
- If the parents are anxious, the child hides their own fears.
- When the parents have unstable self-esteem, the child does something to make them feel valued.
- If the parents can’t meet the child’s emotional needs, the child suppresses their emotional expressions.
Children raised in this setting might carry this role-playing defense mechanism into their adult intimate relationships.
The fear of loss and rejection becomes so overpowering that warding off these fears becomes more vital than expressing genuine emotional needs, and being truly “seen” to foster intimacy.
We inadvertently craft a “false self,” burying our underdeveloped “true self” deep within to ensure its safety.
Escaping Pseudo-Intimacy Requires Practice
Moving beyond past relational patterns is tough but not impossible. Here are some daily exercises to help you step out of pseudo-intimacy:
1. Explore Yourself Before Building Intimate Relationships
Open communication and expressing emotional needs to your partner are essential, but these are based on self-understanding and acceptance. Instead of hastily fixing the relationship, view relational issues as opportunities for self-growth.
For instance, try noting a troubling issue in your current relationship and how you react.
- When you recognize this issue, how do you feel? What do you do?
- When you observe your defensive patterns, don’t rush to criticize yourself. Understand that defenses served a protective purpose for a long time.
- Ask yourself: Why did I choose this pattern? Does it remind me of past situations? What happened back then?
- Understanding your defense mechanism allows you to reassess from an observer’s perspective: Is this coping strategy still beneficial? Are there reasons to believe I can now adopt a different approach?
2. The “4-2-4” Communication Method – Practice Non-Defensive Communication
Borg and others propose the 4-2-4 communication method to disarm defenses and foster empathy during conflicts:
- Identify a current issue. Imagine discussing it across a table with a dividing line.
- Assume both of you share responsibility for the issue, with each holding 40% to 60% of the blame. Start negotiating from this middle ground.
- Set a 3-minute timer for one party to speak about their share of the responsibility.
- The listener mustn’t interrupt or label the speaker.
- Swap roles after 3 minutes and continue until both are satisfied with the conversation progress.
- Record feelings after the discussion, like “How did it feel to be vulnerable?” or “What did I learn about them that I didn’t know?”
With each practice, widen your vulnerability zone, making emotional expression feel more natural.
True intimacy likely encompasses:
- A desire to understand and be understood in every aspect of life.
- Recognizing, acknowledging, and discussing differences.
- Accepting parts of the partner that don’t meet expectations and seeing each other as whole individuals, not just roles.
- Being vulnerable and expressing needs.
Achieving this intimacy isn’t easy. It means exposing our vulnerabilities and needs, risking rejection and loss, and confronting the uncertainties that others bring. It’s a spiritual “adventure.”
But that’s the allure of intimate relationships: only those willing to take risks can genuinely trust and relish the profound connections between people.
May you have the courage to “risk for love.” May your relationships bring you a sense of security and love. May they provide ample space for your “true self” to emerge and grow.
