The word ‘independence’ is frequently used in our daily lives. So much so that it’s now seen as a universal value. Everyone talks about being independent in life, work, and even relationships. Many believe that independence adds to one’s charm. But what does it truly mean to be independent people?
Often, people think that being independent means not relying on others. However, this belief can lead to misunderstanding and drive us into an extreme state of “over-independence.” In psychology, this is known as “Counterdependency” – where one refuses to attach to others, denies their personal needs, and fears relying on someone else. It’s crucial to understand this to grasp the true essence of independence.
1. Being Independent Also Means Relying on Others
We’ve all heard the phrase “Do your own thing.” Parents often use it to teach their children independence. Yet, it’s the source of a significant misconception. In her book, “Never Enough: When Achievement Pressure Becomes Toxic,” renowned journalist Jennifer Wallace shares an enlightening story.
A high school teacher asked students to list what they did for their happiness in 24 hours and what others did for them. Initially, both lists were equally filled. But after prompting them with questions like who helped or taught them, students realized that only 5% of their happiness came from their actions, while 95% came from others.
True independence is about making decisions on your own, not necessarily doing everything alone. This means seeking help or relying on someone else can be part of your decision. But the choice to do so lies within you.
2. Independence Means Embracing Vulnerability
Common phrases like “As an independent woman, I must be strong” or “I’m an adult now; I shouldn’t worry my parents” have made us associate independence with strength. Many feel that showing vulnerability is a sign of weakness, especially for those growing up in competitive environments.
However, for genuinely independent individuals, expressing vulnerability is vital. Psychological studies suggest that showing vulnerability signifies our ability to take risks and be genuine with our emotions.
In her book “Daring Greatly,” Brené Brown mentions, “The more we acknowledge our inner vulnerability and face it, the braver we become, and life becomes clearer.”
Expressing vulnerability also indicates our willingness to establish genuine, long-lasting relationships. In psychology, this act is termed “self-disclosure.” Not only is it a sign of psychological well-being, but it’s also essential for fostering and nurturing happy relationships.
3. Over-Independence Could Signal Past Trauma, Often Unrecognized
Psychologists believe that the trauma of “over-independence” often stems from abusive experiences during one’s childhood. Janae and Barry Weinhold, experts studying “Counterdependency,” suggest that many over-independent individuals may have faced abuse during their early years without consciously recognizing it.
Why is this?
Some forms of abuse, they point out, might be ‘invisible.’ Abuse isn’t just physical; it includes emotional maltreatment like verbal abuse, excessive control, or neglecting and disrespecting the child’s needs. Especially, when parents emotionally neglect their kids, it can lead children to believe early on that independence is a necessity rather than a choice.
Often, children internalize abuse thinking it’s their fault because parents justify their actions “for the child’s sake”. Such traumas can leave deep scars. If someone was abused by trusted figures in their childhood, they might fear getting close to others later in life, building emotional walls to protect themselves.
4. Fear of Relying on Others Often Stems from Fear of Disappointment
For those who display counterdependency, believing they don’t need anyone often arises from past experiences making it hard for them to trust, for fear of feeling “let down” again. In her book “Running on Empty,” author Jonice Webb notes, “Counterdependent individuals go to great lengths to avoid seeking help. They strive not to show or even feel they need others, even if it costs them a lot.”
This defensive mindset is, in essence, a manifestation of trauma. Here, excessive independence acts as a way to regain control and avoid uncertainties. True independence comes from inner maturity, not as a mechanism to dodge hurt.
5. Over-Independence Might Stifle Intimacy
While some advocate for maintaining independence in romantic relationships as a way to stay clear-headed, an overemphasis on ‘independence’ might inhibit the deepening of our relationships. After all, the growth of intimate relationships does require some level of dependency.
If someone constantly resists intimacy or struggles to sustain any relationship beyond a superficial level, it might be due to a ‘fear’ of dependency. Rather than focusing solely on independence, a healthy romantic relationship should lean towards ‘interdependence’. Partners should appreciate the value of vulnerability, seeking help from each other in meaningful ways, establishing emotional closeness. At the same time, they should remain self-aware, ensuring they remain true to themselves in the relationship without compromising their identity or values.
6. Independence Signifies Self-Affirmation
True independence encapsulates the ability to affirm oneself and maintain personal stability (I.S.Kon, 2014). This means you have the capacity to defend, inspire, and provide supportive energy for yourself.
For those who lean towards counterdependency, however, independence can become synonymous with “self-depletion.” Research indicates that counterdependents may experience various physical discomforts, including insomnia due to anxiety and functional bodily disorders (Joplin, Nelson & Quick. 1999).
Moreover, in life and work, these individuals, in their drive for independence but solely relying on themselves, often feel what they do is “never good enough.” In the world of a counterdependent person, there’s no self-encouragement, just endless self-criticism.
In Conclusion
In their writings, Janae Weinhold and Barry Weinhold highlight another cause of counterdependency: its close ties with our current societal culture. They mention, “Our culture, in many ways, promotes counterdependency as a healthy, functional behavior.”
From a young age, our educational environment often emphasizes “competition” over “collaboration.” As adults in the workplace, we’re compartmentalized into specific roles. If one seeks support, it’s perceived as a shortcoming or an inadequacy.
Our society keeps pushing the narrative of “independence,” yet no one clarifies that within this independence also lies a form of dependency. Furthermore, we’re seldom taught how to establish healthy dependencies.
Living in such an environment, many of us might drift towards “over-independence,” and it’s not your fault. However, I hope we can recognize the scars concealed under the guise of “independence” and find ways to heal ourselves.
Reference
- Janae B. Weinhold & Barry K. Weinhold. (2008). The Flight from Intimacy: Healing Your Relationship of Counter-dependency – the other side of Co-dependency.New World Library
- S. Kon.(2014).The Psychology of Independence. Soviet Education.https://doi.org/10.2753/RES1060-9393310957
