In ” Counselling for Toads”, Mr. Toad is portrayed as a cheerful, polite gentleman, always maintaining a sunny disposition towards everyone. However, his innate characteristic of constantly seeking approval leads him down the path of depression. The constant need to please others only earned him disdain from family and friends. Mr. Toad’s internal monologue often revolves around feeling inadequate no matter what he does while believing that others are always right.
Like Mr. Toad, do you also find yourself overshadowed by others, and believe that you can never live a fulfilling life due to constant self-disapproval? Even amidst discontent, the need to show a brave front of “I’m fine” persists.
Behind every ‘people-pleaser’ personality, there’s a tale of their upbringing.
1. Redefine Your Perception, Break Free from Familial Curses
Mr. Toad had a friend who often sought to embarrass him, yet Mr. Toad only responded with awkward laughter.
Did he not have any self-respect?
In fact, Mr. Toad clearly understood the humiliation, but never dared to retaliate due to the disapproval from his critical father from a young age. The young Mr. Toad could only employ a strategy of appeasement and obedience in front of his domineering father. Growing up, his emotional growth was stunted, and he remained in this submissive ‘child-like’ state. The ingrained thought, “I can only survive if I comply and don’t argue,” became a part of his personality. Our early lives often lack power when facing authoritative adults, leaving us with strategies such as compliance or appeasement.
To overcome such deep-rooted behaviors from our family upbringing, it’s vital to change the belief that “I can only survive if I please others”, reassuring ourselves that “I can thrive without seeking constant approval.”
2. Reject Pleasing Others, Tear Down the Script of Weakness and Bullying
Psychologist Rosenthal conducted a notable experiment, where after assessing students’ intelligence in a school, he informed the teachers about the so-called highly intelligent students. Eight months later, these students significantly improved their academic performance, earning high praise from the teachers. However, the truth was that the list of high IQ students was randomly generated by Rosenthal. This experiment highlights the power of subconscious expectations known as the “self-fulfilling prophecy”.
Mr. Toad, in the story, quickly apologizes whenever he senses someone’s anger, even promising obedience for forgiveness, unknowingly playing the victim role, making his life miserable. His subconscious has unknowingly signed a “secret agreement” to allow others to bully him. This saying rings true: “How others treat you is because you allow them to do so.” Initially, nobody intends to bully, but with each compromise of your boundaries, people learn what they can get away with.
Like Mr. Toad, many walk down the victim path unknowingly, but understanding the script of a self-fulfilling prophecy allows us to rewrite it, leading towards becoming strong, independent characters. To tear down the script of a bullied and weak life, start by learning to say no and remind yourself, “I am not a victim.”
3. Facing Oneself, Daring to Trade “Bleeding” For Growth
The book mentions:
“Small animals usually don’t plan ahead, go step by step to live comfortably. Change brings risk, and risk leads to dangerous situations; danger signifies the threat of death.”
Just like Mr. Toad, gaining non-reproach through pleasing others is evidently easier than growing through resistance. Therefore, he chooses not to change, not to grow. Because change means danger, and danger means “bleeding.” But he fails to see that “bleeding” can bring wisdom, and wisdom brings growth.
Hugo said, “When God gives someone difficulties, He also provides wisdom.”
Without pain, there are no gains.
So, to be independent and strong, bravely achieve the following three points:
（1）Firstly, bravely face your own problems.
The hardest thing for people to accept is their own mistakes.
Most people overestimate themselves and only want to see their good side.
Facing the problem is like cutting oneself open with a knife.
But problems are like malignant tumors; if you don’t face and remove them, they will always be there.
Please bravely face yourself, identify and correct the problems, to be reborn.
（2）Secondly, bravely accept emotions.
Pleasing personalities, when faced with anger, always choose to suppress it at first, followed by pleasing and obedience.
Unreleased emotions attack inwardly, leading to continuous internal consumption.
This is fighting against anger.
The book believes that no one can force your anger; in the end, it’s your choice.
Choose to accept your emotions, coexist with them, express them appropriately, and don’t harm yourself internally.
（3）Thirdly, bravely promise yourself a goal.
Many people are pretending to work hard.
Always busy, but not knowing what they want.
Without a goal, they don’t dare to set a goal for themselves.
Because with a goal, real hard work is necessary.
Please step out of your comfort zone now, set a goal for yourself, and live a meaningful life.
In conclusion
The old Mr. Toad always said, “I am not good, others are very good.”
But the later Mr. Toad says, “I am good, and others are good too.”
He no longer denies himself, nor magnifies others.
This is a kind of maturity and self-acceptance, also a way of seeking common ground while reserving differences and accepting others.
Leo Tolstoy said, “All changes in life, all charms, and all beauty are composed of light and shadow.”
Even if the original family has various problems, and we have to experience various kinds of hardships and difficulties, you need to know:
Whether to grow or not, it’s all up to you.
